COVID Diary – Day 54 [Shelter in Place]

Richmond District COVID 19

An excerpt from my actual diary I mean journal. It’s not a diary OK!

I want to write about something but all I can think about is coronavirus. I could write about the coronavirus but I don’t want to write about the damn coronavirus.

It’s hard not to because I feel like if I don’t, I’m skirting around the microscopic elephant hopefully not in the room.

I feel guilty writing about my new found love of gardening. And how well my plants and vegetables are doing and the joy I’ve had with my housemates taking care of them. And roses are in bloom.

And the pleasures of cooking at home now that the allure of going to restaurants is gone. I wonder how this will change art from now on?

Is it wrong to express how much fun I’ve been having lately? To express the tremendous gratitude that’s resurfaced for the little luxuries and the people in my life? I hope I keep taking walks now on.

Now, I hear the story Ahmaud Arbery. I naively thought that locking the world indoors would alleviate headlines of black people being murdered and perchance put a pause on mass shootings but that has not been the case.

It seems selfish to write about how much I miss basketball, playing it and watching it. It causes me an embarrassing amount of pain.

Can I just write about what I want without obligation to acknowledge all the circumstances of the broader reality?

Is there a value in escapism? Is it wrong to “escape” in times of peril? What does it mean to “escape” in the things we enjoy? Is this going to ruin summer?

Should I feel guilty for my concealed desire for this lockdown to go on as long as possible to let the Earth recover more? Is it wrong I want to watch the oil companies suffer?

This Spring has been an awfully, pretty one.

I can sense that people getting are restless, which- although understandable- I’m annoyed by. I’ve seen ignorance reach new depths of ignorance. I wonder if they realize that they will be sheltered in place forever if they contract that virus and die? Is this how Darwinism works?

I didn’t know so many people value money more than health. I’ve been thinking about death a lot more lately. I’ve also been meditating a lot more lately than I probably would have otherwise. Am I drinking too much?

I wonder what other people are thinking? How vast is the spectrum of experience and opinion in the coronavirus era? Is it wrong, that I’m excited to hear all the stories once we’re on the other side of this?

I wonder when things will go back to normal. I actually don’t think we ever will go back to normal, at least the way we knew it. Sometimes I hope it won’t go back to normal. I think if we did I would consider that a failure.

We need to hang in there, sweet baby jesus stay home. I’m trying to change my perspective from a period of sickness to a period of healing. There’s a lot of healing going on right now if you can see it.

I learned recently in an online Zoom yoga class that in times of stillness is when we find ourselves.

God, I miss basketball…

7:56PM at home.

– Nick Chang

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